It has been a week and a half since the Philadelphia Flyers fired General Manager Ron Hextall, and one thing is clear – their penalty kill woes are finally at an end.
The Flyers have strung together multiple games without giving up a short-handed goal for the first time this season. According to Flyers President Paul Holmgren, it is no coincidence.
“Listen, look at all of the successful penalty kills in the history of the NHL. What do they all have in common? Pizza, bros, and brews. Ron Hextall wouldn’t allow any of those things,” Holmgren said to the assembled press outside of the Flyers locker room following the team’s 4-3 overtime loss to the Columbus Blue Jackets.
Hextall fired back today, holding a press conference in front of a TGI Friday’s just off of I-295. “Yeah, I took their pizza. Yeah, I took their beer. Yeah, I took their friends. I’d do it all again, too! You think I don’t want pizza and beer and friends at work? Everyone does!” Hextall then stormed away to enjoy a batch of Jack Daniel’s battered cheese stuffed chicken thighs.
Flyers’ assistant coach Ian Laperriere did not hold back when asked about the effect that Hextall’s firing has had on the team’s penalty kill. “Without Ron watching over the guys’ every breath, the team has finally calmed down. You see, when Hexy was watching the PK with huge binoculars from a crow’s nest that he set up in the Wells Fargo Center jumbotron, the team tightened up. They decided to just stay back and wait for the puck instead of attacking.”
When asked why he didn’t do anything about the penalty kill sooner, the former Flyers shot-blocking legend Laperriere responded, “What could I do? The general manager has final say. Hexy was the end-all, be-all. Now I have the freedom to do what I want with the penalty kill. Just tonight, I told the guys to try screaming as they waved their stick at the man approaching them holding the puck. It seems to be working.”
The Flyers have moved from 31st in the NHL to 30th in penalty kill percentage. The results speak for themselves.
It is extremely important to note that absolutely none of the above quotes are real. This is an entirely fake work of satire by an individual who could and should probably put his brainpower to better use. Thanks for reading!