The Draft Lottery Participants are Boring

As usual, a mundane mix of owners, co-owners, executives, and other various suits will represent their respective NBA teams at tonight’s draft lottery.

Here’s the exciting list:

The Sixers are sending Blue Coats general manager Elton Brand out to Chicago, which is okay I guess, but I would have sent Nick Foles out there with the Lombardi trophy. Kevin Hart is off the table because he needs to lay low for a little bit. Too much Kevin Hart exposure for me. Meek Mill would be okay. Maybe Bob Saget and Lil Uzi Vert could go out there as a pair.

The Celtics, Hornets, Bulls, Mavs, Knicks, and Magic are throwing suits out there for the on-stage portion of the lottery. Josh Jackson, De’Aaron Fox, Luke Kennard, and Jamal Murray are the four players taking part. Get excited.

In one of the few interesting wrinkles here, Jami Gertz, the actress from Square Pegs, The Lost Boys, and Twister is apparently married to Hawks majority owner Tony Ressler. I honestly had no clue. I think a bunch of older dudes had a crush on her back in the day:

Kiefer Sutherland with some great hair in that photo. Looks like a young Billy Idol.

The lottery room participants look similarly boring, but there’s at least one really cool story in there. Mavericks assistant equipment manager Neil Herskowitz has cystic fibrosis and was the 2015 recipient of a double lung transplant. I’d put him out there on the main stage and give him that moment. Why not? Give him the spotlight!

Anyway, this whole thing would be a lot more fun for fans if you throw some local celebs and super fans out there instead. Make it interesting.

Here’s how I would do the on-stage portion:

  • Hawks: the Real Housewives of Atlanta (all of them)
  • Celtics: Barbara Walters
  • Hornets: Ric Flair
  • Bulls: Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance
  • Cavs: Trent Reznor
  • Mavericks: Cole Beasley
  • Sixers: Howard Eskin
  • Nuggets: Dog the Bounty Hunter
  • Pistons: Eminem
  • Clippers: Billy Crystal
  • Grizzlies: Kathy Bates, playing the role of Annie Wilkes from ‘Misery’
  • Knicks: Ghostface Killah
  • Magic: Wesley Snipes
  • Suns: Dierks Bentley
  • Kings: LeVar Burton

Looks like a good mix to me. Must-see TV. What could possible go wrong?

 

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